A Liturgy for a Mother with Intrusive Thoughts

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

I wrote this piece earlier this year so for some of you it may be familiar. It’s one that I’m proud of and so I’d like to give it a permanent spot here on Substack. I know it does not capture all the complexity and nuance of intrusive thoughts but it’s a small piece I can offer through words. I hope it reminds you of the deep care and loving kindness our God wraps around us in these moments.

O Infinite Father, you hold together all things by your word. 
You are creator of all the living and uphold them in your hand.
By your very breath you sustain;
You carry humanity.

It is a holy and heavy task you have granted me—
to care for and raise your littlest and most vulnerable ones, 
my children.
My heart is burdened and my mind overwhelmed. 

When I look at the world I find no peace.
There is war and famine and disease
Dangers and accidents
Hundreds upon thousands upon millions
of potentials to harm my children.
Each lurking in the shadows like a lion
waiting to pounce and devour.
My thoughts are reeling 
in an attempt 
to anticipate 
and avert 
each 
possibility.

When I look at myself I find only despair.
I know the darkness within that seeks to consume.
I look to my own strength to hold my children’s lives
to attend to their every need 
to bear their every burden
I see the weakness of my own mind, heart, and body.
My soul cannot carry what is asked of me and what is needed by them.

When I look at them I see such neediness.
They are fully dependent the moment they come into this world.
Without a mother to nourish or nurture
Without a mother to carry and hold
Without a mother to rest upon and find comfort in
My spirit cannot bear this weight.

But o my gracious Father, let me look to you!

Let me, your very child, rest in you as my Father just as my children rest in me
Let me find my nourishment from the wisdom of your words
Let me find comfort in your bosom where you hold me
Let me know dependence on you, the sustainer of my life and my children’s lives—
the burden of life is never mine to bear.

My worry and the ache of my heart
My anxious thoughts and failing body
My pains and grasping
will never add even a single day to my children’s lives—
their life has always been fully in your gentle hand.

The world and its horrors are ever present
but never mine to carry and deliver.
May I trust that you work to bring about every goodness
in the world
in my life
in my children’s lives.

I cry out for deliverance into you and rest in your loving, holy, protective name—
Abba–my Father.

As I look at you, my Father, will you train my mind
to find its peace in you
to find its strength in you
to find its hope in you.
Amen.


This piece was originally published in Calla Press’ 2024 Spring Literary Journal which you can find here.
You can also view it online here at Mothering Spirit.